WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PAULINE?

First question you may have is who in the heck is Pauline? Well if you are as old as am you might know that answer with a little explanation. Pauline was Mario’s girlfriend in the 1981 arcade classic, ‘Donkey Kong’. She was a beautiful blonde who was abducted by Donkey Kong, carried up a construction site, I think that was what it was supposed to be, and held hostage until her plumber boyfriend showed up to rescue her.

It must have been a horrifying experience to be first, kidnapped by a giant gorilla who’s named as a four-legged animal that has nothing to do with primates, then being stuck on top of some unsteady girders waiting for rescue by one guy. No cops, no firefighters, no military, nothing but a short Italian guy who has to avoid an endless supply of barrels being tossed at him. Which some cases can magically go against gravity and go back up the girders to try to kill the hero, AGAIN. This is after the barrels have been set on fire in some cases mind you by a can marked ‘OIL’ at the bottom. How convenient it is all like it was planned out or something, right?

Here is more trauma for the poor woman, when Mario’s gets to the top finally, what happens? Donkey Kong then grabs her and climbs a convenient ladder escaping to apparently another set if girders to continue this little cat and mouse game. Yes, I am confusing my metaphors and have lost track of who is the cat and who is the mouse. This is not a stupid creature guy, we are talking super-villainy. Why did he take Pauline in the first place? We are never told as of the motivation. Ransom perhaps? Then there is a list of demands and why the authorities are not involved? What city is this in the first place?

Do not get me wrong, Pauline seems to be a very lovely looking young woman. Kind of resembles Debbie Harry with the red dress and the long blonde curly hair. Some versions have Pauline with brown hair, but okay. Debbie Harry is a 1980’s rock icon most familiar to many as the lead singer of ‘Blondie’. Coincidence probably, but would be funny if that is actually Debbie Harry and she did not want the publicity of being held hostage by Donkey Kong and said her name was, ‘Pauline’. I know I am getting carried away. I do have some theories about what might happen to this emotionally scarred woman.

Eventually, Mario does rescue her after fighting against more animated fire and jumping lawn chairs, whatever those things are and Donkey Kong falls to his death. No, actually he does not because in 1982, ‘Donkey Kong Junior’ happens and no sign of Polly. She is completely gone from the rest of the adventures for either Kong or Mario. In this new saga, Mario has gone evil by locking Kong in a cage holding him captive in a jungle or amusement park, I do not know. Instead of barrels, Mario tosses mechanical dogs at a small child, Donkey Kong’s son, Junior.

Pauline was probably very heartbroken when Mario and his bother were never seen again. Maybe she believed that he died, faked his own death, went missing, left town, met another woman or wandered into a sewer pipe where he wound up in a magical mushroom kingdom destined to fight a guy named Bowser or King Koopa depending on which version you are playing, to free a Princess and her kingdom. The bad guy is a giant turtle/gator looking thing and he is the king of the Koopas, literally turtles by the way, and he is called Bowser. He is a tyrannical amphibian named after a dog! What is it with Mario and confusingly named monsters? Yeah, all those things actually did and do happen over and over depending how good you are at playing the ‘Super Mario Brothers’ games.

Still, Mario you are a mindless jerk. You had a beautiful woman waiting at home for you and you choose a princess who keeps getting caught by a demented turtle and leads you on, no offense to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Princess Peach, you are probably very nice. But think about it all the infinite amount of Mario games, Peach keeps getting captured while Polly got caught once and never again. This woman learned that screaming for help takes forever so obviously took self-defense classes and took back her life. Not a victim is Polly, NO MORE!!!

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So what I think happened, well here we go: She bought up the construction site turned into reasonable price housing and became a successful businesswoman. Wrote her memoirs and became a New York Times Bestseller.Got married and had a little family in the suburbs. As a way to continue therapy and overcome her past, works with Gorillas at the ZOO. Tours and was inducted in the ‘Rock and Roll’ Hall of fame with rest of the band, ‘Blondie’. Created and marketed to easy street with ‘Donkey Kong Country’ after copyrighting the big ape who was not bright enough to get himself, legal counsel. Cries every time she looks at a sewer pipe that makes her remember Mario.Has an unnatural hatred for the movie, ‘King Kong’.

And what of Mario? If you are keeping up with the Super Mario games, you can see he is a bit busy. Never quite beats Bowser, or his evil lookalike, Wario, and has yet to win Princess Peach. Then again, maybe Mario staying away from home because he may be worried that a certain someone is still not over the hurt of Forty-Four odd years ago?

Yeah, Mario, Pauline might be waiting for you to come back. In fact, who knows, she may know how to reach a gentleman whose initials are ‘DK’. Be afraid Plumber, be afraid and prayer that a warp zone doesn’t lead you to a place where mushrooms, fire planets, and stars can’t save you! A woman’s scorn.