MY GRANDMA MERCER EXPLAINED LIFE ONCE IN THIS MANNER

Took a piece paper and drew what looked to be a checkerboard. Countless tiny boxes going up and down of different sizes with misshaped sides.

Then she filled in one little box. ‘Multiply this by a Million and multiple that by another ten times than maybe you will start get close to the amount of people and possibility there are in this world that is constantly changing. People are born and die every second of the day thus changing every second of a day. Shifting every little detail that makes up life in subtle ways.’

I asked her what the one filled in box was. I was generally curious as it seemed quite a solo act. Her reply was, ‘Kurt, that is you.’

Her point was that one box does not show the whole picture. Even linking them to other boxes owned by friends; events; memories and family will still be lacking a lot of detail. The whole picture cannot be seen since the world has not ended yet, so it is still a work in progress.

One can be beautiful as a story begins. Everything new and fresh. The other can be beautiful through the memories. Always sad though because someone will always be missed. Especially when it feels that the story is not done. Can’t see it. No matter how much pain that person might be in; how they lived and accomplished or how long they have lived, we miss them. We beg and plead for them to stay.

Why am I rambling? Well, I'm trying to accept something. This past week, my family were told that my mom probably has a few weeks left. The dementia has progressed. The breathing has gotten harder and she can't chew anymore. Her memory is there but in a fog. Good days and bad days. She is in hospice. Please pray for my family cause it's becoming harder. Old hurts are showing up with a plenty regret.

I am terrible at goodbyes. I rarely say them as they are too permanent. As in, ‘I will not see you again’. I have loss people and I have gained people. They all live in my mind where they are not forgotten. But I only have one mom and there is still so much to say.

I have been talking to God, but all I can do is trust Him. It's hard to do right now. I believe in Jesus Christ. I know this world is built and continues to exist because of God.

Do I sometimes get angry with God, of course I do. I have argued with Him quite often on matters. I do not like seeing pain around me but then a light shines through as a thought or a beautiful moment that reminds me that God lives.

He sees the picture completed. He knows we will be mad. He understands the yelling. So I tell Him the good and the bad. Guess what it does help to say everything on one’s mind to someone who will just listen. Knowing you are understood.

I do not see the entire picture. I do not understand why some grow into dust and other don’t even get to have a wrinkle. I do not understand why good and evil must exist together. Why some suffer and others don't.

We do not see how picture A links up to picture Z. How crying can become laughter. A loss into a gain. It is not easy to jump there but happens while we are looking elsewhere at times.

The whispers will be shared in life through our stories connecting on some rooted ideal. The tears and the joy. The message God has shout into life will be gathered, stitched into one so we will understand as one family. I am already missing my mom. We have been losing her little by little, but she is still here for now. And I am grateful that.

I love you guys. If anyone is need of help in anyway, reach out. God is with us.