ONE BOX

When I was younger, I spent a lot time with my Grandparents on my mom side. Learned how to see life from my Grandfather Mercer. How to talk a good story or two. Loved to be around people but could be fine on my own too. My Grandmother Mercer taught me a lot about God and Jesus Christ. Both Grandparents were devout Christians who had endured light and dark with plenty of grey. Don't we all?

Grandma explained life once in this manner. Took a piece paper and drew what looked to be a graph. Countless tiny boxes going up and down of different sizes with misshaped sides. Then she filled in one little box. ‘Multiply this by a Million and multiple that by another ten times than maybe you will start get close to the amount of people and possibility there are in this world that is constantly changing. People are born and die every second of the day thus changing every second of a day. Shifting every little detail that makes up life in subtle ways.’

I asked her what the one filled in box was. I was generally curious as it seemed quite a solo act. Her reply was, ‘Kurt, that is you.’

Her point was that one box does not show the whole picture. Even linking them to other boxes owned by friends; events; memories and family will still be lacking a lot of detail. The whole picture can not be seen since the world has not ended yet so it is still a work in progress.

Only God knows how the whole picture looks as He has already finished the picture. The detail is only appearing to us slowly as we must live in that moment. Developing like an old camera print. We can feel around us but are at times taken in so hard that we see no change. Except in those fixed points like a birth or a death. Those are game changers.

One can be beautiful as a story begins. Everything new and fresh. The other can be beautiful through the memories. Always sad though because someone will always be missed. Especially when it feels that the story is not done. Can’t see it. No matter how much pain that person might be in; how they lived and accomplished or how long they have lived, we miss them. We beg and plead for them stay. Not ready to say goodbye.

I am terrible at good byes. I rarely say them as to me that way too permanent. As in, ‘I will not see you again’. I have loss people and I have gained people. They live in my mind where I make sure they are not forgotten. I forget a detail, I regret it. Kelly says I remember too much but I feel that every detail is important to build that picture enough so I can see it. Linking memories together. Trying to fill the gaps enough that it is not fiction but splendid none the less.

Two years ago yesterday, Kelly and I loss somebody very close to our family. A dear friend whose loss is being felt by so many even now. I find myself talking to God on a regular basis at night. I work as a Security Guard and as I lock the campus, I tend to chat with the One Above All. I believe in God and I believe in Jesus Christ. I know this world is built and continues to exist because of God.

Do I sometimes get angry with God, of course I do. I don’t like him telling me to wait and trust Him. I have argued with Him quite often on matters. I do not like seeing pain around me but then a life line shines through as a thought or a beautiful moment that reminds me that God lives. A memory can do that at the best of times when needed.

God knows that. He sees the picture completed. He knows we will be mad. He understands the yelling. So I tell Him the good and the bad. Guess what it does help to say everything on one’s mind to someone who will just listen. Knowing you are understood.

I do not see the entire picture so I do not know why people have to get cancer and suffer. I do not understand why some grow into dust and other don’t even get to have a wrinkle. I do not understand why good and evil must exist together. Yes, I know everything is choice; preference; justification in our lives.

We do not see how picture A links up to picture Z. How crying can become laughter. A loss into a gain. It is not easy to jump there but happens while we are looking elsewhere at times.

I want our friend back here in the now but I also know her faith in God allowed her to trust God. She is free with no pain. She was my friend because she started out as Kelly's friend. The memories that Kelly has helps her now. That we are happy for because the struggles that she went through.

The hurt she endured but never gave up. She trusted God who can see in the dark to lead her out of the dark. That is the trust we need now. To reach out to the other pictures. Link to laugh and cry. To carry us forward knowing that God is actually doing the lifting. We are all little filled in squares, that all matters. Link up together in that all under the same sky created by the same entity.

Together we can find the answers. The whispers will be shared in life through our stories connecting on some rooted ideal. The tears and the joy. The message God has shot into life will be gathered, stitched into one so we will understand as one family. I love you guys. I hope everyone is okay and doing well. Only Love. If anyone is need of help in anyway, reach out. God is with us; we can feel it if we try.