SPOONS by Kurt Lewis

Have you ever wondered how a spoon would defend itself? A fork and a knife have it pretty easy. Both are pointy, sharp, could easily permanently harm a person or a lovely frozen dinner. Granted a knife and fork are meant to cut steak or potatoes while a spoon is a soup bowls. Buddy, no way am I downplaying how important spoons are to a great bowl soup. I would never do that.I just wonder what a poor spoon does if they got mugged?Not referring to staring mindlessly at a mug. That would be cruel especially if one is not a coffee person. Before we go any further, we need to dispel some fables. Spoons are not blind; earless or limbless. That is a foolish myth. Their ears are obviously hidden like that of a noble mallard or pigeon. Instead of feathers, those big old holes in the noggin, the part mercilessly dunked into a boiling mug of tea, spoons cover with metal or plastic. No judgment.The eyes are quite tiny. Beady possibly but invisible when closed. A shy bunch cruel light sensitivity. Why else would they lie around acting helpless? Not because they are lazy, but because glasses are expensive.Difficult to make such a small prescription. Let us not even begin to speak of contacts. Allergies are issue too. Have we never thought that perhaps some of the things that these "civil servants" are forced to scoop and serve might be harmful to them? Could you hear a spoon?Probably not since they are very soft spoken.Everyone knows that. Natural shyness causes the spoon community to be self-conscious about scrawny arms and legs. So much that said appendages can fold into the sides. Yes, that is true? Invisible. Possibly? There is proof of this occurrence. Ever wonder how we "misplace" a utensil? Yes, everything I have said applies to spoons; knives; forks and yes, sporks! Spoons lying carefree in the wrong part of the silver ware drawer. Hanging out with forks? Hmmm. Hidden in the couch cushions instead of the sink or dishwasher? Forgetfulness? I think not.

While we are the matter, utensils, especially sensitive spoons, do not like hot showers. Luke warm is preferable. Individual bathing in the sink, after it is cleaned. Not into group showers in the darkness of the dishwasher. The noise is too loud and too hot. Also the knives like to sing opera as spoons like contemporary as fork prefer country. Sporks are more kin to Christian rock.  Utensils in general don’t travel alone. Usual come in a pack of either clones of one kind or variety of all the eating tools.Sometimes colorful. Festive to limit of taste. Lovely engraves tattoos, might be stickers, advertising a loving flowery design or where to get a nice cheeseburger. Spoons are very fortunate to be teamed in holiday gift sets, with a bowl, Knife and fork, they get a plate. A spoon gets a novelty bowl and maybe a tiny bag of soup or cereal. The milk rides alone. Allergic to heat. Wimp.

Anyway would a spoon need to call 911? Funny how such a quiet tone could be ignored on the phone. Spoons after all. A spoon would need to be schooled in the art Morse code. Therefore, how will call for help? If managing, by the grace of God, get help on the line, what is the possibility that the dispatcher will know Morse code? Yes, it is a wasteful journey. Oh and my reasoning could be questioned as well.Spoons need to hire protection. Watch, a spoon hires a fork to a fight a knife.HA! soft talker, maybe so the Fork also knows Morse code or sign language. Again a Fork is in the utensil tribe. What currency would be used? Mutual Assured Meal Handling? Forks, Knives and Spoons might like food. Knives and Forks could share a nice stack of waffles. Spoons might prefer the fruit that is optional for such a meal. I admire how they all keep such thin figures. Carbs and sugar should put the pounds on but the job keeps all fit. Beautiful, truly.Perhaps signal flags. Hope they all know what they mean.Physical intimidation is not a bad card to play. Folks back off with a Knife or Fork hanging around the local plate. Toast doesn't want any part of a Knife. Especially when butter is around. Beef stew probably would hand over its wallet, if it had one, to stay clear of a Fork. Stabby and picky all at the same time. Quite annoying. Could a Straw be an enemy to a Spoon? After all, a Straw can handle soup and beverages. Double threat. Spoons are just formal scoopers. Can a Spoon blow an errant pea across the table? Apparently a Spoon and a Fork may actually be compatible. Where do we think sporks come from ?Probably the stork. Sporks, scoops and digs into a nice bowl of eggs. Sorry chickens.A spoon is too round to be a threat to anything. Being made of plastic is no good because you snap in half from a too strong of a hand get you tossed into the trash. No one is going to bother taping up a plastic spoon unless it is some weird keepsake, but I doubt that. A metal spoon is a good heavy sucker the bigger it is but defenseless against strong grip in a bendy mood or fire right? Permanent back trouble.Nice tapping sound on a table or glass if you are giving a speech at a wedding. Careful, or the spoon will be arrested for breaking a glass. Fatal. Mortal enemy of magnets. Too attractive. Ice cream is too cold; a Spoon will catch a cold obviously.If you flip a knife or a fork on the edge of a table, probably going to be stuck into someone or thing. A spoon? Nope. It just lands on the floor being forgotten of its gymnastic and it yelling at you in it’s very quiet voice. Shame.Just thought of something? Spoons are musical. Smack two of them together and in theory, make music. Maybe break a nut or kill a fly too.  Must be painful for a spoon to constantly receive trauma to the head. Get the aspirin and call the doc.

Therapy. Deep meditative therapy. Cannot bend for yoga. Soothing music for the emotional pains of the day. Wonder what does go on in a Spoon's brain. Tons of silent films is my guess. Cannot go wrong with the classics.